I am just a typical young adult figuring out what life has in store for me. I am figuring out who I am and what I believe in and this is my thoughts written down for all to see.
Wow it has been a long week. For the most part it was a great weekend. Today I went to a soccer game to watch Allie play and it was as always f-u-n FUN! Then I thought about going to a movie but I ended up going on a walk. I went to Jacobs Dream and that was all great until this family with 6 kids showed up to take pictures and I was in almost every picture they were taking so I left.
Then I went over by the pond and just laid there and relaxed and just existed. It was awesome. The cool thing was I was laying there with my ipod in and just listening and watching. To my right there were birds looking up. I am not sure at what but they were just looking up. I started to think that is what I need to do right now. I just need to look towards God. Then another bird flew over and started to get a drink. Then he just got in the water and it was like he couldn't get enough of it. Then I thought this is how I should feel about God. I should feel like I can't get enough of him and constantly want more of him. Then more birds flew over and joined in all the fun. All of this is going on and cars are just passing by. It just reminded me of everyday life. The stuff will always be there and as long as you are focused on God the stuff seems like less of an issue. I love that. Here is a picture of my bird friends! Enjoy and remember to turn your eyes
towards God.
It is hard to tell but all the little black dots are birds. Some are in the water and some are on the shore.
There is so much going through my head right now....
I have been having a hard time with the whole self image thing. I have for the longest time thought "I don't care what I look like because I am not trying to impress anyone and if they don't like me for who I am than they can deal with it." Well that is all fine and dandy but lately I have started thinking a lot about my future and marriage. I want to meet someone and graduate and live happy ever after. Well with that comes the lies Satan feeds you. Since I started thinking about marriage and my future Satan has started telling me that I am not good enough and that because I am not skinny no one will want to date me. I have been telling myself that it isn't true and that I am loved and that God is the only opinion that matters but Satan is speaking a whole lot louder. It is hard to try to fight him off. I am working on it though.
Then there is this whole negativity thing I have going on. I tend to be negative most of the time. I am working on it but it is something that is going to take more time. I am just having to work on it slowly but right now I feel like Satan has a hold of me this way too.
I just want to be FREE! Free from all of this that Satan has a hold of. Free from all the drama in my life that seems to overwhelm me and take me over.
Then tonight was probably one of the hardest nights of my life. I had to chose to do what was right even though I think I might have made someone I care about mad at me. I just didn't know what to do and I think I did the right thing. This is where the drama comes in. I just want to be free from it all. I am choosing to let it go and let God work through this situation.
LET GO AND LET GOD! I just have to keep telling myself that. No matter what Satan is telling me, no matter what people are telling me, no matter what happens I can't change the past and I must remember to let it go and let God work in it all.
Last night at 6:00 I picked up three middle school girls. We went to the store and bought drinks and snacks. Then we headed to the movie theater. Twilight was showing at the dollar theater so that is where we went. It was $1.75 for a ticket but still that is cheep. The box office wasn't open when we first got there but it opened up shortly afterwards. I can't remember when was the last time I was at the dollar theater but it wasn't too bad. We were there early so we got great seats. I let the girls pick where we were going to sit. Only one of them had seen the movie. So I am sitting next to Sara on the end of our row and the movie starts. All my friends had talked about how great the movie was. I am sitting there and it has been about 30 min and I am thinking wow this is a slow movie. Sara said the same thing about this time. She also told me that Edward was not all that hot. I felt the same way. I mean his charter and his actions are what I thought made him seem attractive but he wasn't all that good looking. Then about an hour into the movie I thought the movie started to get good. After it was over two of the girls were like that was so great and Sara and I were like ummm not really. Olivia told me it was because I hadn't read the books. So now I am going to. We shall see what I think. Overall it was a great night and I had a ton of fun hanging out with those girls. We will have to do it again.
Well I haven't blogged in awhile. I have been super busy. I changed my major to Family Studies and I am learning more and more about myself. My grandfather died and that has been super hard. I think it finally hit me this week so that was rough too. I have a ton of stuff due this week and I am working on all of that now. I just finished one paper and I am taking a break before I go to class. Well that is a short update on my life. I am looking forward to this summer. I am not sure yet what I will be doing. I am still praying about all of that.
Silver was my dog that I have had for the last 10 years of my life. I had to put her down on the 29th of December. On the 23rd we found out that she most likely had liver cancer. You can treat liver cancer but it is really hard on your dog so we thought instead of watching her suffer some more we would just put her down. I think it was the best decision but it sure was a hard one. I tried to be strong but there is nothing that will prepare you for that. I know that with time I will get over the loss of Silver but for now I still miss her and thinking about her brings me to tears. She was a dog that would sit and swing with you. She had to lay right next to you if you let her in to sleep with you. She always behaved. When she rode in the car with me she would just sit in the front seat and look out the window. If she was bothering you all you had to do was say go and she would leave. The times I brought her to my house in town I could let her outside to go to the bathroom without worrying about her running off. She didn't leave the front yard. She would wake you up in the middle of the night if she had to go to the bathroom so she wouldn't go in the house. She was just a great dog. Here is a picture of her....
This picture was taken at my parents house in one of the last few days she was alive. She will be greatly missed!
OK now for my New Years Resolutions....
1) Spend more time with family. I want to go visit family members more often. I tend to say I am busy during the school year and only go on holidays and occasional weekends but I think I could do more than that. So I want to try.
2)Find some good friends. I want to find some friends that are my age that help build me up spiritually. I mean I have some friends but not a whole lot. I want to find a friend that isn't going to need me for something and that I can have a relationship with that goes both ways.
3)Spend more time in the word. I am not that great with getting out my Bible and reading it daily. I should do this more often. I need to spend time in the word everyday. I want to work on this in 2009
4)Spend more time praying/talking to God. I want to talk to God more than I do now. I have noticed that I tend to only talk to him when I am bored or when I need him. I want to work on this relationship.
5)Go to God first with my problems. I also tend to talk to other people about my problems and then talk to God about them. I want to change this and talk to God first.
6)Listen to God more. I do listen some to God but I want to listen more. I feel it is very important to listen to what God wants me to do with my life.
7)Find a place that helps me grow spiritually. I want to find somewhere that I can grow spiritually. Most people find this at church but I don't feel like I am growing at my church. So I want to find somewhere that challenges me and gets me out of my comfort zone and causes me to grow.
8)Speak up more. I tend to just sit back and see the problem but not talk to the right people about fixing it. I want to have courage to talk to the right people and get some things done. Also I want to not keep my mouth shut when I should say something.
9)Get out of my comfort zone. I want to step out of my comfort zone and grow some more in what God wants me to be. I want to step into situations that are uncomfortable to me now so that I can make them apart of my comfort zone.
10)Eat better and exercise more. I need to work on my eating habits and I need to exercise more often.
11)Bring up my GPA I don't think my GPA could be much lower. I need to focus and get it up!
12)Travel I want to see the world. I want to go to Canada, Israel, Africa, and some other countries.
13)learn more about myself. I think over the past year I have learned more about myself and I have seen my heart more. I have grown a lot but I want to keep growing.
14)Build stronger relationships with the people in my life now. I want to get to know the amazing people in my life now better in this next year.
15)Save more money. This I am not very good at. I tend to spend my money on other people which isn't really a bad thing but I don't really save much. I want to work on this in 2009.
Well I have a lot that I want to work on but I think I can do it. I have a whole year to do it in and there is no time like the present to start making changes. I think that this year is going to be an even bigger year for me to GROW and I can't wait to see what God does in 2009!
Spiritual Warfare is something that I have been thinking about A LOT lately. I am wondering why we never talk about. Why is it something that we ignore like it doesn't exist when if you just look hard enough you can see it going on right in front of you. Out of all of the classes I have taken at ACU only one of them actually talked about Spiritual Warfare. One that is insane to me. I think that if they are going to prepare us to go into ministry we should talk more about this stuff because lets face it we are going to come across it. Satan doesn't like people telling others about God and how amazing he is. I have been feeling like Satan is trying to win my soul lately. I am refusing to let him. He is making me so mad and I am going to fight back. This last weekend I was down south! I love it down there! Well I went to church and I got this feeling that I am supposed to pray over my grandfather this weekend when I see him. Then on Monday I went to soaking and I told them about it. They prayed over me. It was great but then on Tuesday Satan started fighting back. I found out that I failed Greek. While that may be my own fault the way I felt about it was all his evil doing. I was so pumped about the weekend and looking forward to it he threw a curve ball in my direction. I was so upset and didn't know what to do. This threw everything off. I am already not going to graduate on time and I am not really wanting to stay another semester for something. So I let this get me all upset and I listened to the lies that Satan was feeding me. I was listening to him tell me that this was a huge deal and I was ready to quit school. Then today (Thursday) I met with a guy about doing an interdisciplinary degree. It sounded like what I needed to do and again I refocused on this weekend. Then I got another curve ball thrown at me. I am on academic probation. Evidently when you get a F a D and a B during the semester your GPA is pretty low. So now I am working on getting that all straightened out but this time I am choosing to let GOD rule my feelings Satan bess back off and leave me alone. I don't work for him!! I work for God. If I could write a letter to Satan this is what I would say...
Dear Satan, I know that you would like me to feel like I am worthless and that I failed this semester and I didn't do what I was supposed to but you know what I was doing exactly what I was supposed to and I don't want to listen to you any longer. You are a lier and I am going to fight you on this. God is on my side so you better just give up now. This battle has already been won. Jesus Christ paid the price for me! You can't have me. I am a child of God! Sincerely, Heather
It is so hard in todays world to talk to people about this kind of stuff. I feel as if we are often times sheltered from it. It is real and it really does happen. I am going to continue to tell Satan to back off and I am going to focus my eyes on God. Good WILL come from this! It is in Gods hands now!
This scares me to death. I am not a big fan of either president but Obama scares me the most. I am not really sure why exactly but I have a feeling and I don't like it and no it is not because he is black!
My friends...........
I HATE when people don't call me back or when they say they just don't have time to call me or hang out anymore. It bugs me. I mean I understand that you have a life. I have a life and stay super busy but I always find time for my friends. It makes me wonder what is important in your life? Evidently the other things that are keeping you busy!
My relationship status.........
Everyone always asks you if you have a boyfriend when you are incollege well I don't and I kind of like being single. I mean don't get me wrong there are times when a boyfriend would be fun but I just don't really care right now. When the time is right I will be ready but for now I just want to live my life and do what I want to do.
Things I am looking forward to.............
next weekend is the family retreat! A weekend full of bocce ball, 42, God's amazing creation, and quality time with friends.
Then there is the girls conference which I always love. I love watching youth grow closer to God it is always amazing!
Then there is thanksgiving which I always love because I love spending time with my family. :D
Ok so the things I am looking forward to could go on and on so I will stop there!
One Last thought............
Christians in today's culture are often viewed as these perfect people which then often leads them to be viewed as hypocritical. Well I hate to break it to the world but Christians are EVERYDAY people who are just as messed up as the rest of the world. We struggle with sin and addiction and life choices. We have problems in our lives. We are nowhere near perfect. That is why there is Grace and the Love of God that washes us clean and makes us white as snow!
So I haven't blogged in awhile. I have been busy but tonight I feel like I am supposed to share this song with you. It is called Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath. It is very powerful. It has been my prayer for the last few weeks that God give me his eyes so that I can see everyone around me and I have been praying for more compassion for those around me. Then I heard this song and the course is Give me your eyes for just one second, Give me your eyes so I can see, Everything that I keep missing, Give me your love for humanity, Give me your arms for the broken hearted , The ones that are far beyond my reach, Give me your heart for the once forgotten. I think that is amazing. It is almost exactly what I have been wanting. I have noticed that I feel like my prayer is being answered more and more every week. It is kind of amazing. Another song that I love and I often find myself singing one line of is Hosanna by Hillsong. Break my heart for what breaks yours. I just love the course too. Heal my heart and make it clean, Open up my eyes to the things unseen, Show me how to love like you have loved me, Break my heart from what breaks yours, Everything I am for your kingdoms cause, As I go from nothing to, Eternity. I just think that both these songs are amazing and they really touch my heart!
here is the Hillsong video...
the song lyrics are...
I see the king of glory Coming on the clouds with fire The whole earth shakes The whole earth shakes
Yeeeah
I see his love and mercy Washing over all our sin The people sing The people sing
[Chorus] Hosanna Hosanna Hosanna in the highest [x2]
I see a generation Rising up to take their place With selfless faith With selfless faith
I see a near revival Stirring as we pray and seek We're on our knees We're on our knees
[Chorus]
Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdoms cause As I go from nothing to Eternity
[Chorus x2]
Hosanna in the highest
Here is the youtube site for the music video for Brandon Heath. For some reason it wouldn't let me put the video on here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTsYAZvHsEQ
And Here are the song lyrics:
Looked down from a broken sky Traced out by the city lights My world from a mile high Best seat in the house tonight Touched down on the cold black tile Hold on for the sudden stop Breath in the familiar shock Of confusion and chaos All those people going somewhere? Why have I never cared?
Chorus: Give me your eyes for just one second Give me your eyes so I can see Everything that I keep missing Give me your love for humanity Give me your arms for the broken hearted The ones that are far beyond my reach Give me your heart for the once forgotten yeah yeah yeah yeah
Step out on a busy street See a girl and our eyes meet Does her best to smile at me To hide whats underneath Theres a man just to her right Black suit and a bright red tie Too ashamed to tell his wife Hes out of work Hes buying time all those people going somewhere? Why have I never cared?
Chorus
Give me your eyes for just one second Give me your eyes so I can see Everything that I keep missing Give me your love for humanity Give me your arms for the broken hearted The ones that are far beyond my reach Give me your heart for the once forgotten yeah yeah yeah yeah
Ive Been there a million times A couple of million eyes just move and pass me by I swear I never thought that I was wrong Well I want a second glance So give me a second chance To see the way you see the people all alone
Today was a great day. I stood up for myself a lot today. I am very proud of myself. Today I was at this meeting and I asked a guy to sit by me. Which I don't normally do unless we are really good friends so that was good. So I was proud of myself for doing that.
Then today I was at this concert. It was a Christian concert and we got there a little more than an hour before doors opened so we could get a good seat. There were about 25 people in front of us. As we stood there another group that knew the group in front of us came to buy their tickets and then they stayed there because they knew the other group. This made several of us behind them mad. We had been standing there about 30 min and out of no where it went from 25 people to about 40 or so. I was ticked and so were the three girls in front of me. We tried to tell some of the concert people but they didn't hear us. So then I sent one of the girls I took with me up there and told them to cut and see what happened. They did and no one seemed to be saying anything so I sent the other girl I took with me. Then I told the girls in front of me who were mad about it that I would have them save us all a seat. I went up there and told the girls that when they got in we needed 6 seats. They said they would save them. This little short guy was listening in on our conversation. He asked the girls when I left what it was all about and they told him it wasn't his business. AWESOME! I was so proud of them when they told me that later. Then this big guy turns around and started questioning them. He was with the group that cut in line. I noticed this and went up to him and started asking him if there was a problem. He said yes these girls cut. I said well so did you. He went on to say how they were from a small town. I said that I was from a small town and I understood that but if they had all wanted to sit together they should have gotten there at the same time. He then said lets not get into this it is a Christian concert. I replied I understand that. That is one reason I have a problem with yall cutting and then getting mad at them for cutting. He got my point and told his whole group to go to the back. Then the girls and I went back to our spot in line. I don't normally say stuff when stuff like that happens but it was 15 to 20 people and really why would you cut about 100 people. I was proud of myself for saying something. It was pretty amazing. I have been doing this more often. I think It gives me a since of self confidence.
So today take some time to stick up for your self. It could be a good thing.
I just went to fill my car up because I know that the gas prices are going to rise thanks to Ike. On my way home this song came on. I am not too keen on this video but it is better than the live ones. There have been some times this week I have felt like this song. I feel like God is not there and that I just don't have the strength or energy to do what I need to get done. Then I think about how much God is working in my life. He is so amazing and I am so blessed. Then I think about the hurricane and how much this is going to devastate the state of Texas. I know several families who will be directly involved with this storm. My family will be one of those families. I have three uncles in Houston who could not leave today. It makes me sad. Then I think about Lubbock and how they have had so much water over the last few days and that if they get any more they will be flooded for sure. It make me sad. This song brings me hope. It reminds me to rely on God through all of this and that he is here with us no matter what happens. Too often in my life I have relied on other people and not on God. It is time for a change. It is time to let God take control of me and for me to let him. It will be a rough road but I know it will be a good one.
Storyside: B - Be Still From the album We Are Not Alone
I remember all the times The good times and the bad (some good and some are bad) I'm still holding on to you Some days I wanna run And times I come undone But I still belong to you Thats how I know that
Chorus: When I feel like caving in My heart my soul is wearing thin I just want to give up Nothing seems at all to add up Can you hear me Lord? My face is down upon the floor Its then you whisper in my ear Be still and know I'm here
I see a side of you my friend The same struggles that I have My heart goes out to you I know its hard to feel alone And this world's so unforgiving I've been feeling that way too But I can tell you
Chorus:
Is that you? Is this me It's sometimes hard to believe that I am not alone
Its not just you And not just me We all need to believe that We are not alone
Tonight I went to soaking and while I was talking with God I asked him to help me deal with some feelings that I have been hiding. I have always struggled with my grandpa being paralyzed. I finally realized this weekend that I have been keeping everything to myself. Tonight I dealt with it. I came to the realization that God is ok with me being mad at him. I may never understand this but for now I am dealing with it slowly. :) God has been so good to me I just don't get him sometimes.
I have had the experience of being a single parent over the last few days. I have to say that I don't know how people do it. Between taking kids to school making sure homeworks done and running them to practice I don't know how single parents do it. I have been watching three kids (a 4th, 7th, and 8th grader) since Friday because their mom is in the hospital. It has been crazy but fun all at the same time. I am glad I have people around me who are supporting me in everything that I am doing but it is hard. I don't see how people do it everyday. I now have a new perspective on single parenting and props go to those who do it everyday!
This morning I am struggling. I had a fight with one of my friends like a month ago and nothing has been the same since. I have realized that I was being used. It is like the fog from my eyes has been removed and I can see everything in a new light. Ever since our fight we have hung out like once. It was weird. We didn't talk about the fight or anything. We just acted like nothing happened. I was a little mad about that. Then the only time in the past month that she has called me was when she needed something. Last night she called again wanting to stay at my house. I wasn't at home so I told her no. I am tired of letting people walk all over me. It is a weakness of mine. I tend to just say yes to people even when I know that I probably shouldn't. I have learned through this fight that I have to start saying no more often. It is hard for me but I think in the long run it will be a good thing. I saw this friend again this morning. I was trying to distance myself from her and I was in a hurry. She sent me a text telling me that it was real nice of me not to stay hi to her. I waved when she yelled my name. I just didn't feel like dealing with the whole issue this morning. I want to move on with my life. I am starting to feel like I don't have time for these type of people in my life. All my life I have had friends who needed me and to be honest I am tired of being needed all the time. I want to focus on me for a change and get my life where I want it. I feel like over the last year I have done a ton of changing and it has been a good thing. I can see myself growing through everything that I go through. It is pretty amazing! It still hurts to lose a friend but to be honest maybe it is time I just let it go! So my prayer this morning is that I find the strength to let it go and move on to bigger and better things.
Ok for those who don't know what a thin place is it is someplace where heaven seems to come down and touch Earth. For me it is south Texas. A few weeks ago I spent two weekends there. It was amazing! I love nature and down South I just feel Gods presence so strong. It is Amazing! One weekend I went to the ranch where my grandparents used to live. I have missed it so much. I thought it would be kind of hard to go back there since they no longer lived there. Surprisingly it wasn't that hard at all. I actually had a ton of fun and after we left I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like I had been carrying around some hurt feelings from when my grandparents moved. It was extremely hard for me to watch them move. I loved the people and the county down there. It was hard to go back the first few times but slowly it has gotten better. It just took some time to readjust. I am glad that my moms mom lives down in south Texas and I have some where to go when I want to visit. I think that I will always have a place in my heart for South Texas. Here are some pictures that I took.
I love all the hills.
Deer are EVERYWHERE!! This was taken from the side of the road.
The river! The clouds in this picture are AMAZING!
This is my favorite pool! I LOVE IT!! I swam here every year for as long as I can remember and I was so thankful to be able to go back this summer!
This is my brother doing a belly flop. It was AWESOME! Look how high off the water he is. I love this picture because it is so amazing!
So this is my special thin place. I hope to blog more in the near future. We shall see how that goes.
Wed night I went out to my parents house and I sat out side in their hammock. It was AMAZING! I laid out and looked at the stars. Everything is just so peaceful out there. I plugged in the pond fountain and listened to that too. It was amazing. Here are some pictures of what it looks like in the day time.
The view just outside my parents house.
I LOVE this view. Here is the hammock that I lay in and the view you get to look at while you lay there.
Here is the swing on the back porch and Copper. He is a cool dog but he is not my dog.
Here is the view from the swing. The hammock is just to the right of the swing.
The pond next to the hammock. It is a very peaceful sound!
And last but not least my Baby. Her name is Silver. She is defiantly my dog. She is AMAZING! She is one of the reasons I go out to my parents house!
This week has been crazy. A bit of a whirlwind! It started on Sunday when I tried out two different churches. It was a neat experience because I really liked both of the churches. The first church I went to I was introduced to the college minister and that was cool because they seem to have an awesome college program where as my home church doesn't and I think that right now I need a good college program. They hang out like all the time witch is really neat. The second one I went to was really cool too. I just felt so free at both of them. It was an amazing experience. I think that over the last year God as stretched me and changed me a ton. I am not the same person I once was. I am different now and I like who I am becoming. I have considered switching churches before and it is always hard because I love the people at my home church and I have grown up there but the freedom I felt was amazing. So I was dealing with that on Sunday and it carried over into Monday. Which was not good at all. Then on Monday I had some problems with my room mate/Best friend. It was not good. We had a fight. That just escalated all week into an even bigger fight on Friday. It was such a big fight that she moved out and told me that we weren't friends anymore. I was sad and I still am sad. Our friendship was interesting and different very personal. I am sorry things didn't work out. Now I am just moving forward. What happened happened and it is in the past. Today is a new day and I have things to look forward too like my co-coach from camp coming to visit me on Tuesday and then I get to go down south on Thursday so that should be fun. I just have to keep reminding myself that Today is a new day and there is something good coming out of all of this!
I have decided that there are things to do in this little town you just have to know where to look. In the past few weeks I have had more fun just sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing. Yes I get bored some times like now but then I just find something else to do. I think I should be talking to God right now but instead I am writing this blog. I think that a lot of times we fill our loves up with so much stuff that we don't really take time out for God. Kind of like what I am doing now. I think that when we keep ourselves so busy it is partly to keep ourselves distracted so we don't have to face something. Are you distracting yourself today? Go spend some time with God and see what he has to say. You never know what you might learn.
I feel like nothing in my life is ever stable. I mean don't get me wrong I love my life but just as I am starting to get used to something it is either ripped out of my life or something happens and it all changes. I have been praying and praying for some good Christian friends in my life and it just isn't happening. I am frustrated and I can't stand it any longer. I am tired of living in this city where there is nothing to do after like ten. I want to have a life and the only time I have time to have a life is after ten. I have one friend right now that I can count on most of the time and she just told me that she is thinking about moving to Dallas. It is just frustrating when all you want is for her to stay here but I am not her mother so I can't make her stay. So I was listing to this song by Needtobreathe called Washed by the Water. It is AWESOME. I made me realize that I am God's child and he is my father hence I am washed by the water even when the storms of life come my way. Here is the video if you want to watch it.
P.S. after writing this I went to my blog to look at it and clearly I have been dealing with this whole friendship thing a while now. So I am sorry if you are bored and tired of reading about it but it is how I feel. It is the real me!
YES I KNOW I NEED TO LET IT GO!!! I am working on it but it is hard!
the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2.
a friendly relation or intimacy.
3.
friendly feeling or disposition.
Friendship is something that I value a lot. It is not everyday that you find someone that you can be true friends with. I don't have many true friends in my life. So when you find that friendship hold it close because you never know how long it will last. Cherish the precious moments in your life.
