Thoughts....

There is so much going through my head right now....

I have been having a hard time with the whole self image thing. I have for the longest time thought "I don't care what I look like because I am not trying to impress anyone and if they don't like me for who I am than they can deal with it." Well that is all fine and dandy but lately I have started thinking a lot about my future and marriage. I want to meet someone and graduate and live happy ever after. Well with that comes the lies Satan feeds you. Since I started thinking about marriage and my future Satan has started telling me that I am not good enough and that because I am not skinny no one will want to date me. I have been telling myself that it isn't true and that I am loved and that God is the only opinion that matters but Satan is speaking a whole lot louder. It is hard to try to fight him off. I am working on it though.

Then there is this whole negativity thing I have going on. I tend to be negative most of the time. I am working on it but it is something that is going to take more time. I am just having to work on it slowly but right now I feel like Satan has a hold of me this way too.

I just want to be FREE! Free from all of this that Satan has a hold of. Free from all the drama in my life that seems to overwhelm me and take me over.

Then tonight was probably one of the hardest nights of my life. I had to chose to do what was right even though I think I might have made someone I care about mad at me. I just didn't know what to do and I think I did the right thing. This is where the drama comes in. I just want to be free from it all. I am choosing to let it go and let God work through this situation.

LET GO AND LET GOD! I just have to keep telling myself that. No matter what Satan is telling me, no matter what people are telling me, no matter what happens I can't change the past and I must remember to let it go and let God work in it all.

Twilight

Last night at 6:00 I picked up three middle school girls. We went to the store and bought drinks and snacks. Then we headed to the movie theater. Twilight was showing at the dollar theater so that is where we went. It was $1.75 for a ticket but still that is cheep. The box office wasn't open when we first got there but it opened up shortly afterwards. I can't remember when was the last time I was at the dollar theater but it wasn't too bad. We were there early so we got great seats. I let the girls pick where we were going to sit. Only one of them had seen the movie. So I am sitting next to Sara on the end of our row and the movie starts. All my friends had talked about how great the movie was. I am sitting there and it has been about 30 min and I am thinking wow this is  a slow movie. Sara said the same thing about this time. She also told me that Edward was not all that hot. I felt the same way. I mean his charter and his actions are what I thought made him seem attractive but he wasn't all that good looking. Then about an hour into the movie I thought the movie started to get good. After it was over two of the girls were like that was so great and Sara and I were like ummm not really. Olivia told me it was because I hadn't read the books. So now I am going to. We shall see what I think. Overall it was a great night and I had a ton of fun hanging out with those girls. We will have to do it again.

Update

Well I haven't blogged in awhile. I have been super busy. I changed my major to Family Studies and I am learning more and more about myself. My grandfather died and that has been super hard. I think it finally hit me this week so that was rough too. I have a ton of stuff due this week and I am working on all of that now. I just finished one paper and I am taking a break before I go to class. Well that is a short update on my life. I am looking forward to this summer. I am not sure yet what I will be doing. I am still praying about all of that.

Silver (the best dog ever) and resolutions for 2009!

Silver was my dog that I have had for the last 10 years of my life. I had to put her down on the 29th of December. On the 23rd we found out that she most likely had liver cancer. You can treat liver cancer but it is really hard on your dog so we thought instead of watching her suffer some more we would just put her down. I think it was the best decision but it sure was a hard one. I tried to be strong but there is nothing that will prepare you for that. I know that with time I will get over the loss of Silver but for now I still miss her and thinking about her brings me to tears. She was a dog that would sit and swing with you. She had to lay right next to you if you let her in to sleep with you. She always behaved. When she rode in the car with me she would just sit in the front seat and look out the window. If she was bothering you all you had to do was say go and she would leave. The times I brought her to my house in town I could let her outside to go to the bathroom without worrying about her running off. She didn't leave the front yard. She would wake you up in the middle of the night if she had to go to the bathroom so she wouldn't go in the house. She was just a great dog. Here is a picture of her....

This picture was taken at my parents house in one of the last few days she was alive. She will be greatly missed!

OK now for my New Years Resolutions....

1) Spend more time with family. I want to go visit family members more often. I tend to say I am busy during the school year and only go on holidays and occasional weekends but I think I could do more than that. So I want to try.

2)Find some good friends. I want to find some friends that are my age that help build me up spiritually. I mean I have some friends but not a whole lot. I want to find a friend that isn't going to need me for something and that I can have a relationship with that goes both ways.

3)Spend more time in the word. I am not that great with getting out my Bible and reading it daily. I should do this more often. I need to spend time in the word everyday. I want to work on this in 2009

4)Spend more time praying/talking to God. I want to talk to God more than I do now. I have noticed that I tend to only talk to him when I am bored or when I need him. I want to work on this relationship.

5)Go to God first with my problems. I also tend to talk to other people about my problems and then talk to God about them. I want to change this and talk to God first.

6)Listen to God more. I do listen some to God but I want to listen more. I feel it is very important to listen to what God wants me to do with my life.

7)Find a place that helps me grow spiritually. I want to find somewhere that I can grow spiritually. Most people find this at church but I don't feel like I am growing at my church. So I want to find somewhere that challenges me and gets me out of my comfort zone and causes me to grow.

8)Speak up more. I tend to just sit back and see the problem but not talk to the right people about fixing it. I want to have courage to talk to the right people and get some things done. Also I want to not keep my mouth shut when I should say something.

9)Get out of my comfort zone. I want to step out of my comfort zone and grow some more in what God wants me to be. I want to step into situations that are uncomfortable to me now so that I can make them apart of my comfort zone.

10)Eat better and exercise more. I need to work on my eating habits and I need to exercise more often.

11)Bring up my GPA I don't think my GPA could be much lower. I need to focus and get it up!

12)Travel I want to see the world. I want to go to Canada, Israel, Africa, and some other countries.

13)learn more about myself. I think over the past year I have learned more about myself and I have seen my heart more. I have grown a lot but I want to keep growing.

14)Build stronger relationships with the people in my life now. I want to get to know the amazing people in my life now better in this next year.

15)Save more money. This I am not very good at. I tend to spend my money on other people which isn't really a bad thing but I don't really save much. I want to work on this in 2009.

Well I have a lot that I want to work on but I think I can do it. I have a whole year to do it in and there is no time like the present to start making changes. I think that this year is going to be an even bigger year for me to GROW and I can't wait to see what God does in 2009!

Spiritual Warfare

Spiritual Warfare is something that I have been thinking about A LOT lately. I am wondering why we never talk about. Why is it something that we ignore like it doesn't exist when if you just look hard enough you can see it going on right in front of you. Out of all of the classes I have taken at ACU only one of them actually talked about Spiritual Warfare. One that is insane to me. I think that if they are going to prepare us to go into ministry we should talk more about this stuff because lets face it we are going to come across it. Satan doesn't like people telling others about God and how amazing he is.
I have been feeling like Satan is trying to win my soul lately. I am refusing to let him. He is making me so mad and I am going to fight back. This last weekend I was down south! I love it down there! Well I went to church and I got this feeling that I am supposed to pray over my grandfather this weekend when I see him. Then on Monday I went to soaking and I told them about it. They prayed over me. It was great but then on Tuesday Satan started fighting back. I found out that I failed Greek. While that may be my own fault the way I felt about it was all his evil doing. I was so pumped about the weekend and looking forward to it he threw a curve ball in my direction. I was so upset and didn't know what to do. This threw everything off. I am already not going to graduate on time and I am not really wanting to stay another semester for something. So I let this get me all upset and I listened to the lies that Satan was feeding me. I was listening to him tell me that this was a huge deal and I was ready to quit school. Then today (Thursday) I met with a guy about doing an interdisciplinary degree. It sounded like what I needed to do and again I refocused on this weekend. Then I got another curve ball thrown at me. I am on academic probation. Evidently when you get a F a D and a B during the semester your GPA is pretty low. So now I am working on getting that all straightened out but this time I am choosing to let GOD rule my feelings Satan bess back off and leave me alone. I don't work for him!! I work for God. If I could write a letter to Satan this is what I would say...

Dear Satan,
I know that you would like me to feel like I am worthless and that I failed this semester and I didn't do what I was supposed to but you know what I was doing exactly what I was supposed to and I don't want to listen to you any longer. You are a lier and I am going to fight you on this. God is on my side so you better just give up now. This battle has already been won. Jesus Christ paid the price for me! You can't have me. I am a child of God!
Sincerely,
Heather

It is so hard in todays world to talk to people about this kind of stuff. I feel as if we are often times sheltered from it. It is real and it really does happen. I am going to continue to tell Satan to back off and I am going to focus my eyes on God. Good WILL come from this! It is in Gods hands now!

The Mayonnaise The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

God is so good!! Tonight I am feeling over whelmed and I got an e-mail with this story in it. It was exactly what I needed. I hope you like it!

The Mayonnaise Jar and

2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in

a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front

of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and

empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then

asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled int o the open areas between

the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They

agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of

course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar

was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and

poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space

between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to

recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the

important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and

your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they

remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and

your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the

jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf

balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the

small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to

you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with

your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to

dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and

fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really

matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee

represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,

there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

So many thoughts in my head............

The Election............

This scares me to death. I am not a big fan of either president but Obama scares me the most. I am not really sure why exactly but I have a feeling and I don't like it and no it is not because he is black!

My friends...........

I HATE when people don't call me back or when they say they just don't have time to call me or hang out anymore. It bugs me. I mean I understand that you have a life. I have a life and stay super busy but I always find time for my friends. It makes me wonder what is important in your life? Evidently the other things that are keeping you busy!

My relationship status.........

Everyone always asks you if you have a boyfriend when you are in college well I don't and I kind of like being single. I mean don't get me wrong there are times when a boyfriend would be fun but I just don't really care right now. When the time is right I will be ready but for now I just want to live my life and do what I want to do.

Things I am looking forward to.............

next weekend is the family retreat! A weekend full of bocce ball, 42, God's amazing creation, and quality time with friends.

Then there is the girls conference which I always love. I love watching youth grow closer to God it is always amazing!

Then there is thanksgiving which I always love because I love spending time with my family. :D

Ok so the things I am looking forward to could go on and on so I will stop there!

One Last thought............

Christians in today's culture are often viewed as these perfect people which then often leads them to be viewed as hypocritical. Well I hate to break it to the world but Christians are EVERYDAY people who are just as messed up as the rest of the world. We struggle with sin and addiction and life choices. We have problems in our lives. We are nowhere near perfect. That is why there is Grace and the Love of God that washes us clean and makes us white as snow!

Amen!!

Give me your eyes

So I haven't blogged in awhile. I have been busy but tonight I feel like I am supposed to share this song with you. It is called Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath. It is very powerful. It has been my prayer for the last few weeks that God give me his eyes so that I can see everyone around me and I have been praying for more compassion for those around me. Then I heard this song and the course is Give me your eyes for just one second, Give me your eyes so I can see, Everything that I keep missing, Give me your love for humanity, Give me your arms for the broken hearted , The ones that are far beyond my reach, Give me your heart for the once forgotten. I think that is amazing. It is almost exactly what I have been wanting. I have noticed that I feel like my prayer is being answered more and more every week. It is kind of amazing. Another song that I love and I often find myself singing one line of is Hosanna by Hillsong. Break my heart for what breaks yours. I just love the course too. Heal my heart and make it clean, Open up my eyes to the things unseen, Show me how to love like you have loved me, Break my heart from what breaks yours, Everything I am for your kingdoms cause, As I go from nothing to, Eternity. I just think that both these songs are amazing and they really touch my heart!


here is the Hillsong video...



the song lyrics are...

I see the king of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

Yeeeah

I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing

[Chorus]
Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest [x2]

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

[Chorus]

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

[Chorus x2]

Hosanna in the highest


Here is the youtube site for the music video for Brandon Heath. For some reason it wouldn't let me put the video on here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTsYAZvHsEQ


And Here are the song lyrics:

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
Theres a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
Hes out of work
Hes buying time
all those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah

Ive Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

Chorus (x2)

Proud moments!!

Today was a great day. I stood up for myself a lot today. I am very proud of myself. Today I was at this meeting and I asked a guy to sit by me. Which I don't normally do unless we are really good friends so that was good. So I was proud of myself for doing that.

Then today I was at this concert. It was a Christian concert and we got there a little more than an hour before doors opened so we could get a good seat. There were about 25 people in front of us. As we stood there another group that knew the group in front of us came to buy their tickets and then they stayed there because they knew the other group. This made several of us behind them mad. We had been standing there about 30 min and out of no where it went from 25 people to about 40 or so. I was ticked and so were the three girls in front of me. We tried to tell some of the concert people but they didn't hear us. So then I sent one of the girls I took with me up there and told them to cut and see what happened. They did and no one seemed to be saying anything so I sent the other girl I took with me. Then I told the girls in front of me who were mad about it that I would have them save us all a seat. I went up there and told the girls that when they got in we needed 6 seats. They said they would save them. This little short guy was listening in on our conversation. He asked the girls when I left what it was all about and they told him it wasn't his business. AWESOME! I was so proud of them when they told me that later. Then this big guy turns around and started questioning them. He was with the group that cut in line. I noticed this and went up to him and started asking him if there was a problem. He said yes these girls cut. I said well so did you. He went on to say how they were from a small town. I said that I was from a small town and I understood that but if they had all wanted to sit together they should have gotten there at the same time. He then said lets not get into this it is a Christian concert. I replied I understand that. That is one reason I have a problem with yall cutting and then getting mad at them for cutting. He got my point and told his whole group to go to the back. Then the girls and I went back to our spot in line. I don't normally say stuff when stuff like that happens but it was 15 to 20 people and really why would you cut about 100 people. I was proud of myself for saying something. It was pretty amazing. I have been doing this more often. I think It gives me a since of self confidence.

So today take some time to stick up for your self. It could be a good thing.

We are not alone.

I just went to fill my car up because I know that the gas prices are going to rise thanks to Ike. On my way home this song came on. I am not too keen on this video but it is better than the live ones. There have been some times this week I have felt like this song. I feel like God is not there and that I just don't have the strength or energy to do what I need to get done. Then I think about how much God is working in my life. He is so amazing and I am so blessed. Then I think about the hurricane and how much this is going to devastate the state of Texas. I know several families who will be directly involved with this storm. My family will be one of those families. I have three uncles in Houston who could not leave today. It makes me sad. Then I think about Lubbock and how they have had so much water over the last few days and that if they get any more they will be flooded for sure. It make me sad. This song brings me hope. It reminds me to rely on God through all of this and that he is here with us no matter what happens. Too often in my life I have relied on other people and not on God. It is time for a change. It is time to let God take control of me and for me to let him. It will be a rough road but I know it will be a good one.

Storyside: B - Be Still
From the album We Are Not Alone

I remember all the times
The good times and the bad (some good and some are bad)
I'm still holding on to you
Some days I wanna run
And times I come undone
But I still belong to you
Thats how I know that

Chorus:
When I feel like caving in
My heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
Nothing seems at all to add up
Can you hear me Lord?
My face is down upon the floor
Its then you whisper in my ear
Be still and know I'm here


I see a side of you my friend
The same struggles that I have
My heart goes out to you
I know its hard to feel alone
And this world's so unforgiving
I've been feeling that way too
But I can tell you

Chorus:

Is that you?
Is this me
It's sometimes hard to believe that
I am not alone

Its not just you
And not just me
We all need to believe that
We are not alone

Feelings

Tonight I went to soaking and while I was talking with God I asked him to help me deal with some feelings that I have been hiding. I have always struggled with my grandpa being paralyzed. I finally realized this weekend that I have been keeping everything to myself. Tonight I dealt with it. I came to the realization that God is ok with me being mad at him. I may never understand this but for now I am dealing with it slowly. :) God has been so good to me I just don't get him sometimes.

Single Parents

I have had the experience of being a single parent over the last few days. I have to say that I don't know how people do it. Between taking kids to school making sure homeworks done and running them to practice I don't know how single parents do it. I have been watching three kids (a 4th, 7th, and 8th grader) since Friday because their mom is in the hospital. It has been crazy but fun all at the same time. I am glad I have people around me who are supporting me in everything that I am doing but it is hard. I don't see how people do it everyday. I now have a new perspective on single parenting and props go to those who do it everyday!

Letting Go!

This morning I am struggling. I had a fight with one of my friends like a month ago and nothing has been the same since. I have realized that I was being used. It is like the fog from my eyes has been removed and I can see everything in a new light. Ever since our fight we have hung out like once. It was weird. We didn't talk about the fight or anything. We just acted like nothing happened. I was a little mad about that. Then the only time in the past month that she has called me was when she needed something. Last night she called again wanting to stay at my house. I wasn't at home so I told her no. I am tired of letting people walk all over me. It is a weakness of mine. I tend to just say yes to people even when I know that I probably shouldn't. I have learned through this fight that I have to start saying no more often. It is hard for me but I think in the long run it will be a good thing. I saw this friend again this morning. I was trying to distance myself from her and I was in a hurry. She sent me a text telling me that it was real nice of me not to stay hi to her. I waved when she yelled my name. I just didn't feel like dealing with the whole issue this morning. I want to move on with my life.
I am starting to feel like I don't have time for these type of people in my life. All my life I have had friends who needed me and to be honest I am tired of being needed all the time. I want to focus on me for a change and get my life where I want it. I feel like over the last year I have done a ton of changing and it has been a good thing. I can see myself growing through everything that I go through. It is pretty amazing! It still hurts to lose a friend but to be honest maybe it is time I just let it go! So my prayer this morning is that I find the strength to let it go and move on to bigger and better things.

My thin place.

Ok for those who don't know what a thin place is it is someplace where heaven seems to come down and touch Earth. For me it is south Texas. A few weeks ago I spent two weekends there. It was amazing! I love nature and down South I just feel Gods presence so strong. It is Amazing! One weekend I went to the ranch where my grandparents used to live. I have missed it so much. I thought it would be kind of hard to go back there since they no longer lived there. Surprisingly it wasn't that hard at all. I actually had a ton of fun and after we left I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like I had been carrying around some hurt feelings from when my grandparents moved. It was extremely hard for me to watch them move. I loved the people and the county down there. It was hard to go back the first few times but slowly it has gotten better. It just took some time to readjust. I am glad that my moms mom lives down in south Texas and I have some where to go when I want to visit. I think that I will always have a place in my heart for South Texas. Here are some pictures that I took.

I love all the hills.














Deer are EVERYWHERE!! This was taken from the side of the road.














The river! The clouds in this picture are AMAZING!














This is my favorite pool! I LOVE IT!! I swam here every year for as long as I can remember and I was so thankful to be able to go back this summer!







This is my brother doing a belly flop. It was AWESOME! Look how high off the water he is. I love this picture because it is so amazing!




















So this is my special thin place. I hope to blog more in the near future. We shall see how that goes.

Peace

Wed night I went out to my parents house and I sat out side in their hammock. It was AMAZING! I laid out and looked at the stars. Everything is just so peaceful out there. I plugged in the pond fountain and listened to that too. It was amazing. Here are some pictures of what it looks like in the day time.

The view just outside my parents house.














I LOVE this view. Here is the hammock that I lay in and the view you get to look at while you lay there.































Here is the swing on the back porch and Copper. He is a cool dog but he is not my dog.















Here is the view from the swing. The hammock is just to the right of the swing.














The pond next to the hammock. It is a very peaceful sound!














And last but not least my Baby. Her name is Silver. She is defiantly my dog. She is AMAZING! She is one of the reasons I go out to my parents house!

Whirlwind of a week

This week has been crazy. A bit of a whirlwind! It started on Sunday when I tried out two different churches. It was a neat experience because I really liked both of the churches. The first church I went to I was introduced to the college minister and that was cool because they seem to have an awesome college program where as my home church doesn't and I think that right now I need a good college program. They hang out like all the time witch is really neat. The second one I went to was really cool too. I just felt so free at both of them. It was an amazing experience. I think that over the last year God as stretched me and changed me a ton. I am not the same person I once was. I am different now and I like who I am becoming. I have considered switching churches before and it is always hard because I love the people at my home church and I have grown up there but the freedom I felt was amazing. So I was dealing with that on Sunday and it carried over into Monday. Which was not good at all. Then on Monday I had some problems with my room mate/Best friend. It was not good. We had a fight. That just escalated all week into an even bigger fight on Friday. It was such a big fight that she moved out and told me that we weren't friends anymore. I was sad and I still am sad. Our friendship was interesting and different very personal. I am sorry things didn't work out. Now I am just moving forward. What happened happened and it is in the past. Today is a new day and I have things to look forward too like my co-coach from camp coming to visit me on Tuesday and then I get to go down south on Thursday so that should be fun. I just have to keep reminding myself that Today is a new day and there is something good coming out of all of this!

Abilene/Business

I have decided that there are things to do in this little town you just have to know where to look. In the past few weeks I have had more fun just sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing. Yes I get bored some times like now but then I just find something else to do. I think I should be talking to God right now but instead I am writing this blog. I think that a lot of times we fill our loves up with so much stuff that we don't really take time out for God. Kind of like what I am doing now. I think that when we keep ourselves so busy it is partly to keep ourselves distracted so we don't have to face something. Are you distracting yourself today? Go spend some time with God and see what he has to say. You never know what you might learn.

Washed by the Water

I feel like nothing in my life is ever stable. I mean don't get me wrong I love my life but just as I am starting to get used to something it is either ripped out of my life or something happens and it all changes. I have been praying and praying for some good Christian friends in my life and it just isn't happening. I am frustrated and I can't stand it any longer. I am tired of living in this city where there is nothing to do after like ten. I want to have a life and the only time I have time to have a life is after ten. I have one friend right now that I can count on most of the time and she just told me that she is thinking about moving to Dallas. It is just frustrating when all you want is for her to stay here but I am not her mother so I can't make her stay. So I was listing to this song by Needtobreathe called Washed by the Water. It is AWESOME. I made me realize that I am God's child and he is my father hence I am washed by the water even when the storms of life come my way. Here is the video if you want to watch it.


P.S. after writing this I went to my blog to look at it and clearly I have been dealing with this whole friendship thing a while now. So I am sorry if you are bored and tired of reading about it but it is how I feel. It is the real me!

YES I KNOW I NEED TO LET IT GO!!! I am working on it but it is hard!

Friendship

Friendship–noun

1.	the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.

2.	a friendly relation or intimacy.

3.	friendly feeling or disposition.

Friendship is something that I value a lot. It is not everyday that you find someone that you can be true friends with. I don't have many true friends in my life. So when you find that friendship hold it close because you never know how long it will last. Cherish the precious moments in your life.

My Give a Damn Is Busted

So I was thinking about my life today and this song by Jo Dee Messina popped into my head. I hate when people don't return my phone calls or when people walk all over me and want to use me to get something and this song kind of says how I am feeling about it. I just don't care anymore. Forget you. I mean I shouldn't care if you don't want to take the time out of your busy schedule to have a true friendship but the problem is I do care but I am tired of caring because all it gets me is hurt feelings. I am tired of waiting and wishing things would turn out differently. I am tired of acting like I don't care when people walk all over me! It is time for me to take a stand and I think I am going too. So My Give a Damn Is Busted! I don't care what other people want me to do or if they ignore me. It is time for me to move on and focus on what is best for me for once in my life!

Jo Dee Messina
My Give a Damn Is Busted

Well, you filled up my head with so many lies.
You twisted my heart till somethin' snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try,
But my give-a-damn's busted.

You can crawl back home, say you were wrong;
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long.
Well, go ahead and water the lawn:
My give-a-damn's busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin'.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, sorry: nothin'.

You can say you've got issues, you can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,I mean after all you didn't pick 'em.
Maybe somebody else has got time to listen:
My give-a-damn's busted.

Well, your therapist says it was all a mistake:
A product of the Prozac and your co-dependent ways.
So who's your enabler these days?
My give-a-damn's busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin'.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, still nothin'.

It's a desperate situation, no tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you, you say your life is through.
C'mon, gimme somethin' I can use:
My give-a-damn's busted.

Well, I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin'.
Let me dig a little deeper:
No, Man sorry.
Just nothin', you know.
You've really done it this time, ha, ha.
My give-a-damn's busted.

What is a church?

So on Wed I went to this new church. It was pretty much amazing. I walked in and went to help out with the kids. After a few minuets of coloring/playing with stamps we went into the sanctuary to let the kids watch a baptism. We were sitting in there singing and I just thought that it was amazing. Then while they were getting ready for the baptism they were doing announcements and there was this little kid running around. My first thought was why is this little kid running around? I mean it is a little distracting. Shouldn't someone make him be quite? He was like running around and being kind of loud. Then as I was sitting there the guy doing the announcements mentioned that the church was a family. I am not really sure what exactly he was talking about but I caught that and I thought duh. This is not what this church is about. No one cares if a kid is running around. They are all here to praise God and to worship him together as a family.

Then while they were doing the announcements they announced the VBS coming up next weekend. They said they needed some volunteers and like two or three people raised their hands and said that they would help. I just sat there and was like WOW that would never happen in my church. This is pretty amazing. It also reminded me of an episode of desperate housewives. Lynette asks Bree if she can go to her church but thoroughly embarrasses her by raising her hand and asking the pastor a series of questions after his sermon, in front of the whole congregation during church. The pastor later says that he really likes that Lynette asked a question during church. Bree is shocked at this. Now seeing this and seeing what happened during the announcements made me think why can't we ask questions during church? Why can't the church be more like a family? I just don't understand that. I think that in todays church it is more about image and being proper and this is what you do and if you something out of the normal than everyone will stare at you. I don't think that a church should be like that. I feel that the church should be a place where you are comfortable and you can say or do anything without feeling like you are an idiot. Shouldn't the church be like a family where we all love each other no matter what we do or where we come from? I feel like todays churches have lost site of that. I wish we could just all get back to that.

So this is what I thought on Wed night while I was sitting there. Then we went back in to the classroom after the baptism and we had our lesson. It was pretty fun. I got to know one of the girls pretty well. I think that I am really going to enjoy doing ministry over there.


Last summer I worked at a summer camp and to get the kids quite we would say...
GOD IS GOOD! then they said... ALL THE TIME!!
Then we said....
ALL THE TIME! then they said... GOD IS GOOD!!

MAN IS HE AWESOME OR WHAT??

Getting back to what I LOVE!

Have you ever set back and looked at your life and thought is this really happening to me? Well that is kind of how I feel right now. About 6 months ago I decided that I needed to take a break from ministry. I felt that I was doing too much. I mean I was just going to school, working and working with the church on both Wed night and Sunday morning plus some weekend trips. It took up most of my time so I thought I would take out something. Little did I know that it was not what I needed. Those few months were not fun at all. I missed being so involved with church. So I started working on my relationship with God during this time. I felt like I was always trying to find out what I needed and what I should do. I wasn't taking the time to listen to God and find out what he wanted for my life. So I am still in the process of working on that and I started hearing him say "inner-city" work is where you need to be. Inner-city work to me is everyday people who live in the run down parts of town. They are the people that I feel that we tend to forget about a lot of the time. I want to work with these people. I don't want to preach to them. I just want to get to know them and show them what a Christian is supposed to look like. I know from experience that a lot of people have a warped view of Christianity because they have had a bad experience with someone who said they were a Christian. I just want them to see Christ through me and through my actions. I have started to learn how to do this through neighborhood walkers.

Well I have been thinking about this whole inner-city idea for about 2 months now. I drive past this apartment complex that is a little run down and my parents would not want me to live there because the neighborhood isn't all that great but the thought has crossed my mind "I wonder how much rent would be." I had almost stopped several times but I just kept thinking I am in a lease until December. Then about 3 weeks ago I was having lunch with a friend and she got a phone call about a city wide apartment ministry meeting. She didn't know what that was but when she told me I told her my story about driving past the apartments and about my vision for where I want to do my ministry. She then told another one of our mutual friends and she e-mailed me the details of the meeting. I knew that it had to be what I call a God thing for all of this to just fall into place. It was pretty amazing. After I got the e-mail from my friend I e-mailed the guy in charge and he told me about the next meeting. I was super excited. I also asked him about getting involved with a church that is in town that is primarily neighborhood people. He told me that they are always needed help so I started helping there this week. I also went to the apartment ministry meeting and I think I am going to fall in love with this ministry.

I am super excited about all of this but at the same time I am scared to death. I don't know what to think. I am glad that God is putting all of this in front of me. I think that it is a great opportunity. I am going proceed and see what happens. When I told one of my friends about how I was feeling she told me that it was a good thing to be nervous because that means that God will have to help me through this and I will have to rely on him. That makes so much since. God doesn't call the equipped he equips the called. So my prayer today is for God to equip me with the knowledge that I need to do the ministry he is calling me to do.

life

So I have been informed that I haven't bloged in a long time! SO here you go!

Life has been busy. I am working on taking some summer school and my brother graduated this last weekend. It was nice to see the family but it was a looooong weekend. I am tired and Summer 1 classes started today. I am taking 6 hours during summer 1. It should be interesting. Well I don't know much but there is a little up date on what is going on in my life. I hope you all have a great day and I will catch ya later!

A week of joy inspite of complications!

This week has been pretty AMAZING! I have had a few complications but I am loving almost every minute of this week. It started out with me going and getting prayed for which was amazing!
Then Tuesday Maymester started and I learned that for the next three weeks now two weeks I was not going to get much sleep. There is a ton of homework but I looked at the positive side and thought about how I am going to be able to get this class out of the way. Then Wed. rolled around and I was still having a pretty good week. I was tired and started to get sick from allergy stuff so that was no fun but I kept trucking on.
Then came Thursday. Thursday was interesting. I went to class and came home from my break checked my grades and I made 2 As 2 Bs and one C so not too bad. Oh and my cat started going into labor and had her kittens. It was interesting. She ended up having 4. Side note- all during the week I have been taking my car into the shop to get some minor things fixed and spent most of the week in a rental which I am still in. Thursday afternoon I did a ton of reading and spent some of that time in a tree house. I like this tree house because not many people know about it so it is like my own quiet spot. All I could hear were dogs barking and the ice cream truck off in the distance. I kind of feel like I am in my own little land that no one knows about. It is special and it is all mine for now.
Then came today, Friday. Wow today has been interesting. I only got about 6 hours of sleep last night and during that 6 hours I was up almost every hour. So that wasn't good. I went to class even thought I didn't feel the best. We were going to the movies for our afternoon session so that was good. I was excited about that and I had lunch plans with a friend of mine. So I went to lunch with her and we were done eating and I said lets go see this tree house. She didn't believe that it was there. So we were on our way and this guy pulled out in front of us and I hit him. It wasn't my fault and everyone was ok. I think about 10 people from church ended up stopping to see if we were both ok. It was interesting. These wreck things seem to just flock to me. It isn't the greatest thing in the world. The bad part was that I was still in the rental car. Then I went to the movies. We saw the new Narnia movie. It was good and for about 3 hours I got to just escape this world and enter a world with no worries. Then I went to work and dealt with insurance people and now I am babysitting. In spite of everything that has gone on today and this week I still see that it has been an amazing week.
The Lord has blessed me greatly. I am blessed and over joyed when I think about this week and what is to come. Don't take the little things for granted and when you take time to notice them thank God for them. They can be some of the worlds greatest treasures.

Amazed

I am amazed by God tonight. I have been seeking him and for some reason all day I felt like I needed to ask God to come into my life and take my life over. I have heard about 2 or 3 songs on the radio talking about letting go, which is something I have a hard time with, and giving your life to God. This is something that I have been working on over the past few weeks. So tonight I went to this thing called soaking with one of my friends. It was amazing. We were watching the Florida Healing Revival and they all asked if they could pray over us younger people. I have never been prayed over like that before. It was truly and experience. I loved it and soaked every minuet of it up. I am not sure what God has in store for my life but I can already tell he is going to do great things with me. I have no clue where or when but all I know is that I am following his voice and we shall see where it leads me.

My Grandpa

So if you haven't figured out by now my grandpa is someone very close to me. I just found out today that he is in the hospital. They think that he may have had a small stroke and they are doing testing tomorrow to find out what caused it. Please pray for the doctors to find out what is wrong with him and for my grandma to be able to get some much needed rest right now.

Thanks!

last weekend, grandpa, south TX

So last weekend I went to south TX. I absoultly love it down there. I think that I could park myself down there and just leave everything behind and not even care. It is so pretty. Here are a few pictures I took down there.
This was on the way down. It is a tree made out of deer antlers. It is kind of cool.

This one is just amazing!
Look at the clouds. They are almost perfect!

This picture is my favorite!! It is the road the my
Grandmas friend lives down and down the road
we stayed in. I absolutely love this picture!

This is the super cute house we stayed in!

This is just a random picture of the scenery.
I love it though! I could so live down there!
















So there are some pictures. We went down for my grandmothers 85th birthday. 6 out of 9 of her kids where there so that was a ton of fun. I got to hang out with my cousins from Houston that I never see so that was fun too.

Then on Sunday we went to a church where my grandpa used to preach. It is amazing and I love it. Anyway they used to video the service and send it to my grandpa but I noticed that they quit doing that. It is just hard to watch the church move on with out him when for so many years that is where he preached and ministered.

Now this weekend I am sitting here working on cleaning house and homework. A bit of a change from the last two weekends when I was down south just having fun. :))

If I won the Lotto

I have often thought about what I would spend the money if I was to win the lotto. I think that I would pay off all of my school. Then put enough in savings to live off of and then if I still had some left over I think it would be fun to buy an apartment complex for low income families. I think that I would just love that. It would be so much fun. I think I would want to live there with the families so I could get to know them. I think that would be fun too. I think that I would pay off my car and help my parents pay off some of their stuff too. Have you ever thought about what you would do if you won the lotto??

thurnder stoms

So I haven't blogged in a long time because I have been super busy. School is taking up most of my free time. It is raining outside like pouring. It has been lightening for several hours now but it just started raining. So I was at a friends house and I was hanging out watching a movie. The movie ended at around 12 midnight and I decided to go ahead and drive home. The weather man came on the TV and said that it was capable of producing golf ball size hail. I thought naaa I will beat it. Then I got scared out of my mind all the way home because the lightening was lighting up the sky and it wasn't looking too good. It didn't start raining until I was on my road. That was good. I made it home with only rain. It still hasn't hailed yet. I think I am crazy. Who decides to drive home in a crazy thunder storm like this??

Its not about me.

I have realized over the past few weeks that I tend to focus more on me and what I want but I need to focus on God and what he wants with me. Another thing that I have realized is that I focus a ton on the negative in things and I am really hard on myself. I am working on fixing that but it is just so hard.

HAPPY MONDAY

So I haven't blog in awhile. I have just been super busy. Last weekend my brother had his Eagle court of honor and this last weekend I helped out with a youth retreat. It was fun but it wore me out. Now I am catching up on homework and my bible study. I have realized that I have trouble wrapping my head around the concept of being saved by the cross. I know that we are loved but I don't think I have quite gotten that we are REALLY loved. No matter what we do. Anyway I am going to get back to my homework now but that is just something I was thinking about and thought I would share it.

Talking with God

So yesterday I drove to Brownwood and for about 40 min I decided that I was not going to listen to the radio and I was just going to talk to God and just listen. Here are some of the things that I thought about.

noise- Everywhere we go there is noise. A train passing by, birds, tv, radio, passing by cars, and the list goes on and on. My question was can we ever be totally silence. So this thought is what lead me to turn off the radio and listen.

So I started talking to God and just telling him how I felt. I was talking out loud and then I thought that people who were passing by must think that I am crazy and talking to myself and then I was like next time someone asks me if I am talking to myself I am going to say that I am not talking to myself just talking to God. :))

Then while I was talking to God I heard him say shhhhhhh just listen so I did and he told me that he loves me and I am his which is something that I have been struggling with and something that I don't think I fully comprehend. Then I have been wondering what all I should be doing in ministry and when is too much. I think that he answered all of that for me. It was amazing.

seeking God

I am doing this bible study and it is kicking my butt. I have decided that the reason I questioned everything last semester was that I was too busy thinking and talking and not doing enough listening. I am working on listening better. I think that God wants me to realize how much he loves me and that he sees me differently than I see myself. He sees me as forgiven and as his child and I don't see myself that way. I am relearning all of this. I have also been longing for a friend who understands what I am going through and someone that I can talk to about anything and I just don't have that right now. I think that maybe God wants to fill that void in my life with his presence but I am just not letting him. So that is something that he is slowly letting me see. It is crazy. I am really starting to like this no cell phone thing. It gives me more time to listen and just be. Something else that I have realized is that being a college student and trying to be a Christian person in todays world is really really hard. Over half of the tv shows that I watch I probably shouldn't watch and over half the music on my ipod/computer I should probably delete. Most of my friends think I am crazy by now but I am not I am just trying to get my life back on track.

time and the cross

So I have decided that God is trying to tell me something and I know that he is trying to tell me something but evidently I still haven't quite gotten the message because he keeps telling me and to be quite honest I am starting to get a little annoyed with the same thing over and over again but I know that it is his way of saying hey you haven't gotten this yet. Listen you big dummy. He keeps telling me to slow down and enjoy the moment but I am finding that hard to do in todays world. We are so time consumed and everything has to start at this time and end at this time. I wonder what would happen if we showed up somewhere and just enjoyed each others company and never thought about what we needed to do next or I have all of this to do and I need to go do it now. Isn't life all about building relationships and growing with each other and watching Gods world go round? I am REALLY having a hard time this. My job is focused around a time frame and last Thursday I saw three different wrecks while I was on my route and I thought ok I need to slow down and just take my time. Things will get done when they get done. I also hate being late. I am one of those people that get ready at least 5 min before I need to be and I show up at least 5 min early. I just really hate being late. Anyway so I am trying to figure out what I can do for myself and just slow things down a little bit. I think I need to cut something out but I don't know what to cut. I don't feel over whelmed with anything that I am doing so for now I will just pray about it. The second thing that God keeps reminding me of is that he died on the cross just for me. This keeps coming up over and over again. I understand that he died on the cross to save me from sin but evidently I still haven't comprehended his love for me. I think I am going to pray about this too. Anyway I hope everyone has a great week and remember to live in the moment because time is so precious and you never know how much you have left.

Deer

Here are the pictures of me with deer. :)) My grandmother would take in deer that their mothers would reject because they couldn't take care of them.

Then here are some from not too long ago. Someone tamed a deer and he showed up in our front yard. He was really friendly and he gave our dogs a hard time. It was funny.

Pets

So I have always loved Animals!! I am at my parents house tonight becuase I am giving my dog a bath and taking her to my house for the week. I have really missed her. Right now she isn't too happy that she is in the bathroom still damp because I forgot my blow dryer but good things are to come. :)) I am not sure how she will get along with my cat but I guess we will find out. Here are a few pics to enjoy.

This one is the earliest one that I have with me and an animal. My mom thinks that I am three. I would sure hate to be that goat. :) This is at my grandmothers house.

This is the first goat that we got when we moved to the country.

More goats

These are some babies to the ones above.

Then came the donkey that we found and then it ran away but that is a story for another time.

Then during the goat and donkey times came the show pigs. I really do love pigs!! This was one of my sr pictures. I love this picture. There are two pigs here. These were my sr year pigs.

Last but not least my dog!! :)) I couldn't find a good picture of her so I will have to take one. I have had her since I was in the 5th grade so almost 9 years. CRAZY!! She is the one on the right. Her name is Silver. The other dog in this picture is Cooper. He is more like my brothers dog.

Well I guess that is all for now. I will try to post one with the deer pictures. I totally forgot about he whole deer pictures. My parents actually have one of me butt naked playing with deer at my grandparets. Really what where they thinking?? I think it was this will be great black mail!!

A Call To Die.

I started this Bible Study with a friend of mine. The book is called A Call To Die. It challenges you to give something up for the 40 days that you are doing the Bible study. So I gave up my cell phone. Now in todays world it is hard for a college aged person to not have a cell phone. They are everywhere. Just stay in one spot and watch. I bet you at least every other person that passes you will be on the phone or doing something with their phone. To be quite honest they probably won't even realize that you are standing there.

I think in todays world we are becoming so technological that it is hard for us to have real relationships. I am one who loves spending time with people. I have fun just sitting and talking for hours. Are we missing something from not being personal with each other? I think that the answer is yes. You can't tell what someone is really thinking over the phone. You can't see the way they are acting like by their body language. If you were to go to a foreign country 80% of what you did to try to talk to people would be by your body language (a smile a hug a handshake).

Don't get me wrong I love talking on the phone. It is well was something that I did all the time. That is why I gave it up. Since I have done this I have realized how we are starting to do less listening and more talking. If we never listen then how are we to hear God? I think that this is something that I was having a problem with. Since I started this Bible Study I have listened more to God and he keeps telling me that I am never alone. It has been a constant theme over the past few days. God often speaks though me in songs. My favorite song at the moment is a song by Mainstay called Hang on. It is amazing. You should take the time to listen to it. I tried to find it on youtube but I didn't have much luck.

Another song I love by them is called Your Not Alone. I did find this one on youtube and I think it is an amazing way to do a song so take the time to watch this video.




Anyway I am going to try to keep things posted on here of what is happening with my life and how I am being changed. I hope you have a blessed day and I will be writing soon.

life

Well I haven't blogged in awhile. I have been really busy. I was leaving church this morning and I started thinking about how church is supposed to be the one place you can come and be yourself and still be accepted but it has turned into a place where everyone comes on Sunday mornings and Wed nights and they put on a smile and act as if everything is just find and dandy. Well most days it isn't. No one is perfect and everyone has problems. Even the people you think have it all together. I have been asked by several people this week if I am happy and I keep telling people that I am happy and that I am just stressed but I think that they truth in the situation is no I am not happy. I am feeling distanced from God and not really sure how to find him. I have been looking and still don't feel him. I know he is with me but I am in a low point and it is starting to get frustrating. I long to be close to him. I am starting a Bible study and working on surrounding myself with Christians and finding an accountability partner so my hope is that all of this will help me in the long run. I guess my challenge to you is to not be fake with people. Be real with them. Tell people what is really going on in life. I know that is hard but it is something that if we all did I think the world would be a much better place!

Thoughts on choosing our feelings

I was in philosophy today and I think it changed my thinking on a lot of things. We talked about free will and Jean-Paul Sartre. Sartre's view is that we never take responsibility for our actions like we should. We all have excuses and we don't just say that we choose to do something else instead. Like saying I choose to go to the movies instead of writhing that paper do doing that homework so that is why I don't have it but then isn't that an excuse in itself. I am not sure. I do think that we should take responsibility for our actions. I wonder how different would our world be if we all did this.
We also talked about how we choose out own emotions. We choose to be happy, sad, depressed. I am not sure what I think about this. I do think tit is right to some extent but I think that some emotions are brought on by circumstances. Like if something emotionally happens to you it makes you feel a certain way. Like if someone you are close to dies you are more than likely going to feel sad about that. This is where I am not sure if you choose that feeling. If you are sad because of something that happened to you then how can that be something that you choose.
I have thought quite a bit about this and I was thinking about feeling Gods absents. If we are feeling like Go d isn't with us then is that something that we are choosing. According to Sartre it would be something that we are feeling but I don't believe that. I do believe that we choose our feelings to some extent but we don't totally choose our feelings. When things happen to use it causes us to feel a certain way. I do think that we can choose to change how we feel when we are in those situations but for the most part that feeling is brought on by things out of our control.

Thoughts lately

I have been questioning everything lately. I think I have been asking too many questions or perhaps not the right questions. I am questioning my faith and if I believe in God or not. I know that sounds awful but that is how I am feeling. I feel lost and alone. I kind of feel like I am in a desert and it is dark outside and there is no light at all. Not even a moon or star to give off some light. I don’t know why I am feeling this or if it is something that everyone goes through but I do know that I hate it. I hate feeling like I am alone and far away from everything. I hate feeling like God isn’t there. I know he is but I just don’t feel it and as soon as I get close to him something else comes along to distract me and get me off track or as soon as I start to feel happy and unstressed something happens and someone needs my help with something. I don’t get why this is happening and I wish it would all just go away. I want to be close to God and I want to see him in everything I do but here lately that hasn’t been the case. I have seen him some but I want more. Is that natural for us to want more? I was telling someone about how I felt like I was in the desert and they told me that it isn’t a bad place to be. Jesus was in the desert for 40 days. That person also told me not to give in to temptations and it got me thinking about the last few months. I have given in to temptations and the feeling when I realized this was awful. I hate it. I feel like I need to get away from everything for awhile but I know that wont solve the problem. Then I think that this time of feeling all alone can only make me stronger and it will help me in the long run and I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I am hoping that this light comes sooner than later.